Learning From The Best

Me and a couple buddies of mine decided to coach a youth basketball team this summer at the local YMCA. Since all of us combined have zero coaching experience, I thought it would be best to copy the pro’s. But then I realized that was too intense. I mean how could I learn the triangle offense. Plus we don’t have a draft so that would make copying their style of acquiring players pretty difficult. So I decided we would just copy the college programs instead. After watching how they operate I’ve come up with a few ideas of how to run my team so they become champions.

Stability: Much like the big time college programs do, I’m going to rely heavily on one and done stars. Although in my defense, I believe that after one year in 2nd grade it’s best for a player to leave and move on to the 3rd grade. Unless of course there good enough to skip 2nd grade all together in which case I’ll just have them pretend there attending school during that year before they move on so they can help me win it all.

Clean Programs: If there is one thing I realized in my research it is this. If you ain’t cheating you ain’t trying. Therefore me and my staff will tempt players to come play for us by offering them extra benefits. These will range from items such as Rice Crispy Treats after games, to Oranges and Capri Suns at half time. And for the great players we’ll take them out for pizza after games (victories only of course, I’m not paying you to try your best kid. I’m paying you to win). Not to worry though I’ve realized how to get away with it if the YMCA comes inquiring. I’ll simply say I had no idea it was going on.

“Team” Mentality: The most thing I’ve come to understand is that in big time college basketball there is no concept more important than the team. So to copy them I’ll completely favor one player. Some guys will be on the floor simply to take up space and distract the opponents while he goes isolation and jacks up a 3 pointer every time down the court. And of course every college team plays with ineligible players. So to keep up with this I won’t require any of my players to show me birth certificates. You think playing a 26 year old whose been in remedial english for 4 years is bad? Try having to guard a 6 ft 5 point guard when your 9 years old.

Discipline: The most successful college coaches have a strict moral code. They won’t put up with any off the field trouble UNLESS you help them win games. Obviously I’ll follow their example. Say my star PG gets detention, I’ll simply say we’re handling it “internally” and then do absolutely nothing. My power forward gets grounded for not cleaning his room? Not a problem, I’ll give him a strict lecture about morals then tell him to get out there and get me some rebounds. Like I said, you gotta have discipline.

All in all this seems like a pretty good blueprint to success. I mean if it works for college kids, it’ll work with my guys right? Like I said I didn’t want to copy full on professionals I think they’re a little to intense. So I instead went with the best SEMI-professionals this planet has to offer. College athletes.

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